


nothing but shadow

by octoberwithoutyou



Series: nightmares [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, M/M, Nightmares, surprisingly still pre relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 04:29:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9055420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octoberwithoutyou/pseuds/octoberwithoutyou
Summary: Cassian would be a fool if he thought the nightmares would end. They never do.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is the second part of my nightmare verse. you might want to read that one first. thank you all!

II  
Cassian would be a fool if he thought the nightmares would end. They never do. 

He got better at handling his own, and now he was getting better at handling Bodhi’s, funnily enough.

He could tell the other burned with embarrassment and shame each time Cassian sat on the bunk next to him and calmed him down with gentle, hesitant touches and a soft voice, raspy with sleep. And every time Cassian told him it was fine. That he was there to help. He would've expected a wary look from Bodhi, some sign that told him he didn't quite believe him. But as usual, he was surprised by him and his wide eyes, full of a trust that made Cassian felt warm but also alarmed. It wasn't good to trust that easily in times like those.

 

K2 sort of knew about what was happening and for once, he didn't crack a joke or chimed in with a sarcastic reply whenever the theme was mentioned, either when he was alone with Cassian or when the three of them were hanging out.

“Don't.” Cassian said one day, when K2 approached him and caught him staring at a laughing Bodhi, who was talking to another pilot during dinner. “I'm just looking after him.”

“I know you are.” K2 replied, and Cassian had to look up at him when he didn't hear any mock in his tone. 

“Quit looking at me like that. Nothing… Nothing is happening.”

“Whatever you say, boss.” Cassian shoved K2 aside, but he could almost see his knowing smirk. Smart ass. 

 

Bodhi liked to chat, and by now he was well liked by everyone in the base. Not trusted, just liked. They all still had their suspicions. Cassian didn’t blame them. Besides the obvious, Bodhi had moments where he would just sit still, not responding to everyone, and that scared some people. Those days he was usually left alone and Cassian wondered, not for the last time, what happened when he was captured by Saw Gerrera.

 

Even though Bodhi had decided to stay, there was something about him that felt out of place.  
felt out of place. As if he was forced into this war, but had decided to stay in it. That was one of the reasons he was allowed to stay, Cassian thought.

 

It was evident he really liked spending time with a certain someone and his droid. Which was fine, but Cassian wished people didn't just rub it in his face. He knew he had crush, thank you very much. All of the banter he was receiving from his teammates (he'd known some of them for years, but he'd never talked to them much until now) was unnecessary, and probably a plot of K2. Thank Force none of it involved Bodhi. The guy had enough going on.

 

As the weeks passed, and the Alliance showed no signs of assigning him or Bodhi a new room, Cassian learned a few things the others might not know about. He didn't know how to feel about that. 

For example, he found out Bodhi calmed down faster if he started playing with his hair. He usually kept it up in a ponytail, but he would wear it down to sleep. The discovery also lead to a related one: Bodhi didn't have soft hair, but it smelled really good. Cassian was sure there wasn't a soap with that scent in the base. 

Despite Bodhi’s weak protests (Cassian could almost feel the heat emanating from his cheeks), he would undo the knots in Bodhi’s hair until his breathing returned to normal. 

The nightmares seemed to be happening less often. Cassian must've been doing something good.

 

( _“When are you telling him?”_

_“Not in the mood, K.”_

_“I am not joking, Cassian.”_

_The look Cassian gave him made him change the subject, an almost pitying look that was too human for a droid. Cassian had never seen it before and now he didn't want to see it again._ )

 

A month or so passed, and the Alliance stopped treating them like babies. They called them and told them they would be assigned to the next missions available.

Cassian would have cried in relief, but he found himself too busy glancing at Bodhi as Jan Dodonna delivered the news.

He kept nodding at everything the other was saying, and a little movement in the corner of Cassian’s eye told him his hands were fidgeting under the table. Dodonna must have noticed how nervous he was, too, because he quickly sent them off.

“Hey.” Cassian stopped Bodhi as the other jogged to the door. “Wanna grab lunch?” 

He was clearly anxious, picking at his goggles every few seconds. He looked liked he did when they barely knew each other, stiff, his mouth a straight line that made him look painfully older. “You go ahead, I- I have something to do.”

Bodhi never went to the cafeteria during lunch that day. K2 must have read Cassian’s mind, before he placed a hand on his shoulder, putting enough pressure for him to stay still.

“Give him time.”

“How would you know that's the right thing to do?”

“I've done some research.”

 

So K2 and Cassian busied themselves the rest of the day, but Cassian cheated and told K2 to scan the base to see where Bodhi was, just to be safe. K2’s answer was vague but satisfying enough to ease his smile a little.

At night, when they arrived to the bedroom, Bodhi was already on his bunk, fast asleep.

 

Some of the soldiers that had slept with him believe he didn't like to sleep. That wasn't true, Cassian just had a lot to think about, and as the day was usually filled with action, he used the night to do that.

That night, Cassian knew from the beginning it was going to be a bad one. The quiet contrasted greatly with the noises he already found familiar, unfortunately.

As he quickly sat on the bed to get down the bunk he heard something that made his blood run cold. He thought he would never hear that coming from Bodhi again.

It was like some kind of feverish pleading, repeated again and again as if he were afraid of the words falling on deaf ears. It was the same, if not more heartbreaking, as the first time he had been there to witness Bodhi having a nightmare.

Cassian told himself to keep calm as he sat down blandly on the bed and making sure he wasn’t touching the other. He started speaking to him in a way he believe he had perfected to bring Bodhi out of that state of mind he was in. He had to keep calm, but he still felt anger. Who could have done this to a person like Bodhi?

“You’re Bodhi Rook. You’re in an Alliance Base, with me. Everything’s fine.” He started. Most of the times it was variations of those words, or babbling about ships or the technical details of some past missions. As usual, Bodhi started to blink out of that place, far away from where they were. Cassian held out his hand, and Bodhi took it.

It seemed like it wasn’t necessary for Cassian to run his hands through his hair, as Bodhi seemed to be calming himself down, taking deep breath as Cassian had taught him one. Still, he felt a little disappointed.

They stayed in silence for a moment, Cassian squeezing Bodhi’s hand gently. Cassian was still thinking how to start a conversation when Bodhi spoke up. “When we were...out there. You asked me for how long Saw Gerrera’s men had held me captive.”

Cassian’s eyes unconsciously glanced at Bodhi’s neck, mostly covered by his hair now. He remembered that. The bruises on the other’s neck, the raw flesh visible thanks to the damp flight suit. He remembered thinking Bodhi looked like a mess, but was working his damndest to proceed with what seemed a suicide mission despite how terrified he was. Cassian nodded, indicating Bodhi to keep talking.

“I said, ‘a few days’.You laughed, and I was confused. Then you said-”

“‘Must’ve been a hell of a few days.’” Cassian said with a sad smile.

“That was the first time I smiled since…” His voice trailed off. “At least that’s what I remember. I don’t know why, but I started trusting you.”

Cassian was at a loss for words. He could only look into Bodhi’s eyes, shivering slightly when he remembered how he was back then, and how much he’d changed. And how glad he was he had changed for better.

“There was this creature.” Bodhi started, and Cassian heard the fear in his voice. He squeezed his hand encouragingly. “I-it had this tentacles, a-and…”

“We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want.” Cassian told him, not liking where the story was going already.

“No, it’s fine. I want t-to. He said i-it could feel your t-thoughts. He didn’t believe me, when I said I was s-send by Galen Erson. So he… it was all over me and…” 

Cassian knew about those things. Bor gullets. They say they could you lose your mind. He took in a deep breath. “I can’t believe he did that-”

“I-it’s fine. It’s not as bad now. Cassian, I-I felt as if my mind was getting wiped clean. All my memories, w-who I was…”

“We need to tell someone about this.”

“Does it matter? Saw Gerrera is dead.” Bodhi let out a shaky sigh. “It won’t help.” Cassian knew he was right. He also knew that it wouldn’t make a change. Worse things happened every day across the galaxy.

“Thank you for telling me.” To his surprise, Bodhi smiled. 

“I felt like you had to know. You have helped me a lot, Cassian. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Really, it’s fine by me.” And it was. Cassian would help him, talk to him and braid his hair and take his hand at night as the other sobbed on his shoulder. He found out it was worth it, just so Bodhi would smile again.

He blushed at his own thoughts, letting go of Bodhi’s hand and standing up. “It’s fine. C’mon, let’s take a walk. Get you some water.”

Bodhi followed him outside as usual. They met K2 and together they went outside the base. The sun was rising. As K2 and Bodhi chatted in a pace so quick Cassian could barely follow, Cassian wondered that maybe, if he asked Dodonna nicely, they could be put in the same mission. Maybe.


End file.
